From Challenge to Triumph

Fritz Hanlein and Robert Weigle, Beethoven, Heiligenstadt, 1802

Growing up playing classical piano, I have always had a tremendous respect for the musical genius, Beethoven. Learning his “Pathetique” Sonata was my biggest challenge; it embodies such power.  So, it’s no surprise that I am drawn to the very human-like marble statue of Beethoven in the town, Heiligenstadt (today part of Vienna). Beethoven traveled to Heiligenstadt from 1802-1824 as he lost his hearing, feeling more and more socially isolated and unable to communicate.  Ultimately, his deafness ended his career as a pianist, but thankfully not as a composer! Here he would take in the fresh air and take walks for inspiration, choosing isolation and country life over the city. He walked along what is now known as the Beethovenweg (Beethoven Walkway). The stream by the path in Heiligenstadt Park inspired his “Scene by the Brook” in his Sixth Symphony. “One goes here and music history really comes alive.” (In Mozart’s Footsteps). And to think that all along walking by the “babbling” stream he heard nothing but the music in his head.

The statue was sculpted posthumously by Fritz Hanlein following a model by Robert Weigl at the end of the 19th century/early 20th century. It was erected by the Association of Male Choirs of Vienna, and was inaugurated Nov. 28, 1910.Though there are numerous statues of Beethoven, in my opinion, this one best represents his genius as a composer, physically, and spiritually.

The statue captures his intense, faraway gaze, his wild hair, his deliberate stride, and his hands locked behind his back as he visualizes his music. I can almost feel him composing exquisite music in his head while walking along the path. And I imagine that I can hear his music in my head. I am overcome by its sheer power, from elation to depression. Music was his entire life, and when he became deaf, he was filled with anguish. He turned to alcohol and he was depressed and desperate and even contemplated suicide.

I can relate to Beethoven. I, too, turned to alcohol more than twenty years ago during a difficult time in my life. The emotions that Beethoven struggled with, depression and anxiety, have also played a prominent role with me and are obstacles that I constantly try to navigate.  All of us can overcome these roadblocks. Personally, I have been sober since 1997.

Beethoven discarded the thought of suicide because, ultimately, he felt compelled to create music. His strong character and determination and persistence allowed him to compose mentally since he could hear nothing. His tone became darker but he produced some of his best music when he was deaf. We often are faced with insurmountable obstacles and Beethoven provides a good example of how to deal with frustration and despair.

Emotional Tune-Up: Anxious About Anxiety

Twenty-one years ago I walked through the doors of the Betty Ford Center, hopeful, though nervous, as to what the thirty days ahead had in store for me. But one thing I knew at my core—I was determined to never drink again! And by God’s grace I have not taken a sip of alcohol since that life-altering moment…
 
Yet, this does not mean I still don’t struggle with the issues that ultimately lead to my drinking. Throughout my life I have suffered from anxiety in various ways—from an upset stomach and shortage of breath in my youth, to body rashes throughout college, to compulsive eating throughout my 20s, which lead to compulsive work-outs, which lead to “closet” drinking in my mid-30s, and which ultimately landed me at rehab in my early 40s…today, at 64, I still suffer periodically from anxiety for a plethora of reasons…from self-confidence to romantic heartaches to death of loved ones, to simply being able to handle everyday life.
 
Anxiety , like alcoholism, is insidious and debilitating, impacting one’s emotional and physical health, one’s relationships, one’s simple day-to-day life activities. Many people turn to prescriptive medication to combat this overwhelming, frightening condition. For a short term they may help, but they are not the answer. This past year has been exceptionally rough for me. Anxiety has been unusually high—little sleep, racing mind, body tremors, dizziness, fuzzy brain, and on and on…My daughter and son, always wise, and always out of love, asked me to get help; it was as if they were “giving” me permission. I knew I needed a “tune-up”. Thus, I enrolled in an eight-week outpatient program that addresses anxiety in a healthy manner, from clinical assessment, to neuro-feedback, to narrative therapy, to acupuncture, to meditation, to healing sound treatment…as I did 21 years ago at the Betty Ford Center, I have embraced this program, determined to be as healthy as I can in every way!
 
I am now into my fourth week of treatment, and am already seeing a tremendous change in my behavior, my thought process, my physical energy. I am more focused, I am sleeping more soundly, I am feeling calmer, I am smiling again. And, I am determined to use the tools to fight anxiety in a healthy way. During the first week of therapy, one of the therapists in the program asked me to close my eyes and visualize something that was calming. I quieted myself, closed my eyes, and envisioned a “babbling” stream…I could hear its quiet ripples as it flowed in-between the majestic snow-covered pine trees, could feel a peace throughout my body..
 
I am pretty certain there are those of you who suffer from anxiety. Know you are not alone! Know there is nothing to be ashamed of! Know there is help for you! And, remember to love yourself! Life is full of sharp turns, but it is up to each one of us as to how we navigate them.